I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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