I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
