Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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