I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
