Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
