i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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