Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
