i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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