Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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