I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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