that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
