if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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