we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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