mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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