Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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