If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
