She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
