I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
