His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
