Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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