guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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