Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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