Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
