i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I need a beard to bite.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
