he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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