no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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