bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
