Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
