did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
