Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
