How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
did i walk over a car last night?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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