is your mom at the bar?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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