Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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