i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
