drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
