Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
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I woke up to her vacumming the grass
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
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Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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