Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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