apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
