ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
