I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
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i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
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And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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