I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
