Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
