This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
