Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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