It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
