Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
