Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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