y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
