dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
