did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
