I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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