Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
