12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
