Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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