I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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