You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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