my phone needs a breathalizer
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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