i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Watching her eat just hurts me
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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