i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
