When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
