she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
